reason to change

I realize I've been off the radar for awhile now. I was surprised to see that my last blog was actually only a day after we found out we were pregnant with... no, we're not telling you the name ;)

So instead of apologizing like my typical self, I will just say that... it happened. Ok, I will sort of apologize, because even though I've thought of you family and skyped some of you and emailed you occasionally, I certainly don't want you to think that my lack of attention at keeping up with all of you on a more regular basis is because I don't care about you :( because you all know that I do...

I am a mom, and what's more, I am learning about myself and about organizing and about scheduling time (or currently my sad lack thereof) and about what I want to do with my life. Which, fortunately right now is: be a mom.

Ron and I have started a gruelling budget this year, but in so many ways I love it. I love finding deals that I might have overlooked before, I love stretching a dollar (or in our case, a loonie) to it's limits, I love planning menus so I don't waste as much, and I loathe my recent library fines all the more. I feel like this now about my time. I want to be more efficient, more productive. To do the things that I really want to get done. And blogging is something I want to come back to, and really stick with.

Don't get all excited yet. I'm still figuring this out. You'd think it would be easier than it is, time management. Then try time management while watching an almost 2-year-old all day and being tired tired huge tired pregnant, as I know some of you have been there done that. I'm not ashamed that on days where I'm about to drop I will take a nap when James takes his. And I'm certainly happy with spending a half hour here and there in my day reading The Foot Book or How the Grinch Stole Christmas or Sammy the Seal for the who-knows-how-manyieth time.

Sometimes I feel like I know all the answers, it's just hard to connect the dots. For instance, my days start out with increased productivity (of course) when I'm up before James. But I (almost always!) wake up when Ron gets up for work at 4 or 4:30 (and often times before that as I am now required to take a 1am pee break apparently), and my pregnant self will not get up at that time. Sometimes I do and then I crash by 10 or 11, or rather... I want to, but instead find myself sleepily saying "more and more and more and MORE feet!"... The catch 22 is that ever since becoming a mother I have this thing called... insomnia. No, I don't technically have a condition. But it's so much easier for me to stay awake when I don't even want to! I will lay there at 4 thinking, now is the time to be sleeping! sleep! And then make mental lists of all the things I should get done in the day and write letters in my head and even think about how a conversation might go over an issue or non-issue that may or may not occur 6 months from now. Finally I fall asleep unil 8:30 or 9, when James announces he is ready for his day. I wake rested, but still didn't get that earlier morning time to accompish anything! 2-3 days a week we need to be out of the house by 10 to a play group or such (I am so grateful for those, for both James and I).

This sort of spiraled into a desperate cry for help, but I don't mean it to. well, advise and/or sympathy are welcome. And really, I'm not meaning to complain, as I reread this and realized I sound a bit whiney about it. I'm more... wishing I had gotten a routine down pat when I had the time and energy. Sarah, I so admire how dedicated you are to running, for instance. I think perhaps I am a late bloomer about some things, though not to use that as an excuse. Quite the contrary, it's time to catch up on some issues like basic discipline.

Ok, none of you live with me, so you must now wonder if you should stage an intervention and just how bad can i be? Let me tell you, I want to improve myself, to live fully for God and be the best wife and mother I can be. To that I end I want to kick some bad habits (lack of serious time management and/or discipline to accomplish the things I desire). That said, I do keep a happy home :) oh, you know all that. I'm not here to brag about the apple puff pancakes that Ron requests on Sunday mornings, or how I've been consciously keeping a cleaner house, or how smart James is from all that book reading, or even how I actually hung pictures on my walls before we have to move again ;)

This is just where I am right now, I suppose. A part of it. If I blogged more you could see the other parts of my life. So I will try. This blog is for you, my dear family, and I do so want you to feel a taste of daily life with the Goodmans. I know that for me, looking at your blogs brings me closer. I can't believe how much Will has grown, for instance! I love that you post all those pictures, Joie and tell us about your days. And I never tire of Sarah's insights or Nate's stories (though I want more!). And so, I also want to give more. Because this is one thing I really want to do. I really want to share our lives with you, family.

So, expect to hear more from me. I sure love you all. And still, on days when nothing seemed to get done, I will be immensely happy that I took the time to tickle my James, to read and laugh with him, to open his markers and hear is his little "Thank you!", to turn from doing dishes and say "Hey you! I love you..." and then hear my little boy say the same thing. I want to be the best I can for him. The best God has in mind for me, and that's what this all boils down to.